Sometimes I work with birthdays dresses, sometimes I work with goodbye pieces...

Today is Sunday evening. I have just gotten back from my bike ride. My legs are really sore, that is what happen when we get older I guess... LOL

I have always been working on First Birthday dresses, pretty garments, but, today I worked on embroidering the lid insert of a casket. Never thought I would do such a type of work someday. I never liked getting close to caskets, seeing one, or touching it, I don't like anything that is related to death, I have this feeling since I was a child. I was always  scared of walking on the sidewalk of a funeral home, it would remind me about losing my loved ones, not afraid of death  myself but, losing the ones I love, scares me so much. I know this is what life is about but, if I can, I'd rather not to think about it. Today, it was different though, I was doing my work with so much love and when it was done I kissed the piece and said: - Rest in peace young man, I pray that you find the light...

 The sad part is, it is for the casket of fourteen years old boy who killed himself over a girl. The entire time I was working on it I was praying that God give strength to the parents of this kid. I didn't know him,  just an embroidery work that I had to get done for the funeral home but it touched my heart. There is no way in the world that one could do this job and not wonder what this family is going through...

It made me feel like holding my kids close to me and never letting them go. It made me think so much about that mommy and daddy...We hear all kinds of stuff happening out there but, we never think that it can happen to us. We parents, never imagine our children passing away first than us.

I guess when we need to get something done, God give us the strength we need to. It was just like when my grandma passed away.

Last time I saw grandma Virginia Pecanha

My grandma and I were very close, sometimes I would get myself thinking, grandma is over 90 years old and how will it be like life without her? I was always scared.

But it happened. I knew my grandma was getting weaker and very sick. My mom told me, Zee, if you want to see grandma  still alive, you should come soon because I have the feeling she wont be here for too long.

So, I decided we better plan a trip to Brazil soon. I got there late afternoon, it was a tiresome trip, over ten hours in an airplane, I was exhausted when we finally got to my parents home. Some cousins were visiting, one of my cousin told me that grandma had been asking about me the whole day, she wanted to see me when I got in Brazil. I told my cousin I would wait until the next morning, when I would be more rested. She said, you should not wait Zee, grandma wants to see you as soon as you got here. So, there I got to my grandma home. She was so thin, sad expression but her eyes brightened up when she saw me. We talked a lot about all kinds of stuff, but for some reason grandma kept asking me what I thought it would happen to us when we die. Do you believe we will be born again? I didn't like that type of talk with my grandma... So she held my hand and told me: - Zee do you remember that vacation when you were fifteen and we went to Sao Paulo to spend couple weeks at your uncle's home? I said: Yes grandma, I do, why are you asking me this?

She then said: I never forgave myself for shortening the trip and wanting to be back home earlier than we planned before. I remember how mad you got about me, you had planned having a lot of fun with your cousin... I always wanted to ask you to forgive me for that, I felt like I ruined your vacation... Can you please forgive me in the name of God?

I was so weird, I said: -Grandma, that was a long time I go, I never hated you for that, I got over it next day, I cant believe you held that in your heart for all these years! There is nothing to be forgiven grandma. I always loved you and was thankful for you...

I couldn't believe the relief feeling that she had on her expression: _ Oh thank God you were never mad at me, I have always thought about that and couldn't forgive myself for doing that to you. I can die in peace now....

We talked some more and my daddy took grandma to her bed.  That same night at 3:00 AM we were called that my grandma had passed way...

Grandma had nine children of her own and raised two nephews, eleven children total. Guess who was the one who took care of all arrangement for grandma's funeral?  Yes, you are right, it was me, the one who is afraid of cemetery, caskets and everything related to death. I even took care of all my grandma's burial place and picked the clothes she was buried with. I was so strong... After all was over with, I couldn't believe all the stuff I did. I was telling my uncles and daddy what to do and how, like a pro. I will always love you Grandma... I know you are resting and enjoying a better life now...

I've learned that when we have to go through something difficult, somehow we are given all the strength we need.

That is what I thought it happened today. It was a sad work but somebody had to do it. The kid used to go hunting with his grandpa and daddy, they wanted to have a deer embroidered on his casket inside. I did it. I am so glad I could do my best, work on a Sunday for a teenager who has ended his life so early...

God bless you...

Zee